Attachment is a normal human emotion but may vary from person to person. Some attachment styles are healthy, while others, like anxious or preoccupied, harm mental health.

A Guide to Basic Attachment Styles

Our attachment styles influence the way we navigate through our relationships. It’s therefore important to be aware of where you might be needing to adjust your approach.

A Guide To Basic Attachment Styles

Overview

The idea of attachment styles was derived from British Psychologist John Bowlby&rsquo;s &lsquo;Attachment Theory&rsquo;. This theory has been much researched, built on and expanded and has had a substantial impact on our view of human relationships. This is the idea that children are born with an inherent need to bond emotionally and physically with at least one of their caregivers and develop attachment styles based on the response they get from these figures. This happens during the first six months of infancy and sticks with a person throughout their life. Our attachment styles essentially decide how we are going to relate to ourselves, our peers, our lovers and even our colleagues. 
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Attachment Theory

There are 4 types of attachment styles:

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You find it relatively easy to get close to people, lean on them in times of need and are dependable when they need you. You aren&rsquo;t constantly worried that your friend or lover might abandon you, similarly you don&rsquo;t freak out when people start getting too close. 
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If this is something you identify with then it means you have a secure attachment style. Such people comfortably express their emotions and are receptive of others emotions as well. There&rsquo;s no need to run in the other direction when conflict arises nor a drive to over compensate by becoming too available or aggressive in your approach. In <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-to-rekindle-love-in-long-term-relationships">interpersonal relationships</a>, there is honesty, there is tolerance of differences and there is a healthy amount of emotional intimacy along with personal resources to work through conflict. If you are someone who exhibits secure attachment then that means most of your relationships are healthy, fulfilling and reciprocal.

Securely attached adults tend to have parents who were able to respond to their child&rsquo;s needs in a timely manner, while being a present, dependable and soothing figure in the child&rsquo;s life.

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Needing excessive emotional support, approval and intimacy with your partner, experiencing heightened anxiety when needs aren&rsquo;t met and trying to mitigate this by becoming clingy or demanding are just some of the features of an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. 
 
If you are someone who identifies with this, chances are that you don&rsquo;t do well on your own and require your partner to always be there. You use the relationship as a way to shield yourself from feelings of discomfort and are very likely to end up in a victim-savior dynamic. 
Such people fear abandonment and might try to compensate by over giving or becoming doormats. There&rsquo;s a lack of trust and in many cases these individuals will self-sabotage in relationships. This further reinforces their personal view of self and others and leads to deteriorating self-esteem. More often, these people also end up attracting an avoidant partner and find themselves stuck in a vicious cycle. 
 
This style is usually observed in adults who had suffered from emotional or physical neglect/abuse as children or were separated from their caregivers very early on. Hence the need for excessive reassurance, approval and closeness. 
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These individuals tend to exhibit a high level of emotional independence and often see themselves as &lsquo;lone-wolves&rsquo;. They don&rsquo;t feel the need to form close emotional bonds and tend to be self-sufficient. They neither depend on others, nor invite others to depend on them. They&rsquo;ll shy away from situations requiring higher emotional intelligence and receptivity, avoiding dangers of intimacy through engaging in solitary activities and withdrawing completely into themselves. 
A positive view of self is cultivated by excessive personal achievements instead of fulfilling relationships where others could provide a sense of approval and acceptance. More often than not, this is not due to an abhorrence for intimacy but a defense mechanism in order to avoid rejection from others. 
Adults exhibiting this were kids who were discouraged from expressing their emotions and needs. Not having caregivers who they could rely on in times of distress or even for basic emotional needs, self-soothing was the only solution they had. 
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They also tend to avoid emotional intimacy while deeply desiring it at the same time. One moment strong emotional attachments are avoided in order to stay safe in their bubble and the next moment great strides are made in order to form intimate emotional connections. This constant back and forth leads to disorganised thought patterns, they not only view themselves as not deserving of the love they are receiving but there&rsquo;s also a deep mistrust of the person providing any kind of support. 
 
All of this essentially makes it a mixture of an anxious-preoccupied attachment style and dismissive-avoidant attachment style. This is rooted in a childhood where the parents or caregiver frightened the child by being inconsistent and unpredictable. There are moments of immense love and attention which is then not followed through in other times where the parent might fail to respond to even the most basic needs of their child.

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Bottom Line

Most of us are already aware of our behaviors and how we like to maneuver through relationships. Knowing these attachment styles puts a name to these behaviors and ways of relating to our surrounding. Acknowledging your style helps gauge whether something is really serving your best interests or not. It&rsquo;s also important to note that you are not stuck with your attachment style. If you have an attachment style that hampers your ability to form healthy, reciprocal relationships then you can learn and evolve. Extend yourself some compassion and gracefully accept your shortcomings, reach out to people and sources where you can obtain that much needed emotional schooling from and know that things are simply never as bad as they might seem.&nbsp;

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