Madeeha Syed

Five Ways To Focus On Your Marriage After Having Children

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The Sa’as Bahu Relationship: Why There’s Friction And How To Overcome It

Overview

We all remember the early 2000s romantic comedy, Monster-in-Law. It was not only funny, tragic, and wholesome, but also quite exaggerated. But there might be some truth to this clich&eacute; after all.&nbsp;

In Pakistani society alone, we can knock on any door and find a scorned mother-in-law (MIL) who has a thousand problems with her daughter-in-law (DIL), imagined and real.&nbsp;

If you belong to a certain age group, you have heard your married friends wax poetic about how unfair and cruel their MILs are. There are a thousand television serials on local channels on this topic as well.&nbsp;

So, why does this happen and why is it so rampant? Shouldn&rsquo;t women be sticking together? Wouldn&rsquo;t you, as a MIL, want your son to be happy with his partner? Are we stuck with the curse of a clich&eacute;d daggers-drawn sa&rsquo;as-bahu relationship or can we work our way around it?&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

First let&rsquo;s look at some reasons why there is such an intense power struggle between the two:&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>Mothers who are particularly close to their sons, due to having established that dynamic early on or due to having had an unfulfilling marriage, start viewing their sons as surrogate husbands. This means that anytime someone from the outside comes and lays a claim on her son&rsquo;s affections, attention and time, there will be friction with that person. Now, imagine that person is married to your son. This leads to an underlying feeling of jealousy that is awkward to acknowledge let alone talk about. It instead comes out as unnecessary fights and nagging behavior by the MIL.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>The son also becomes the person she reaches out to for all kinds of emotional support, so if this has been happening since the formative years, these men end up internalising the fact that their mother &ldquo;needs&rdquo; them and can&rsquo;t survive on her own. Observing her husband with this saviour complex is not easy for the DIL either and leads to a natural distaste in their relationship.&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li><a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-to-manage-anxiety" target="_blank">Separation anxiety</a> is when a person&rsquo;s daily functioning is affected by the absence of the other and usually occurs due to unhealthy co-dependence. Unhealthy co-dependence between the MIL and the son leads to separation anxiety when the time comes to let the son go. Both of them will experience this anxiety to some extent and can lead to friction in the MIL-DIL relationship. The MIL subconsciously detests her DIL for causing this separation.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>The DIL and MIL also tend to observe the son as their source of survival in the family or society at large and are competing for the same thing: the favour of one man. This is another reason why there might be some inherent dislike between the two.&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Some MILs also tend to hate those DILs who have a better financial footing than their son. Since the chances of them leaving their sons are high as they aren&rsquo;t as dependent on their husband for survival. Whether the DIL plans to or not is not relevant here. This is then taken as a personal slight since it&rsquo;s in the MIL&rsquo;s vested interest that their sons continue to have a healthy ongoing partnership. It reflects on her upbringing as well as their son&rsquo;s moral character.&nbsp;&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Some MILs continue to view their sons as perpetual children where they aren&rsquo;t allowed to grow and form their own opinions or have their own life. It&rsquo;s especially true for the desi society where men aren&rsquo;t allowed to grow past the role of extremely coddled sons. This also gives rise to a controlling parenting style where the mother gets to decide how the son behaves in society at large and with the DIL as well. This naturally makes the DIL despise the mother as the controlling behaviour can and will extend to her as well.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>There are natural feelings of envy and jealousy even outside of the relationship these two have through their son and husband. The MIL can envy the youth, beauty and opportunities the DIL has while the DIL might be jealous of the power her MIL wields.&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

How to Navigate it Better

The curse of the MIL and DIL relationship might have a cure and it is entirely possible for the two to have a healthy relationship not bogged down by society’s expectations and pre-set rules. Leading with compassion and empathy can go a long way and has to come from both sides.&nbsp;Some of the things you can do to combat the natural friction are:&nbsp; <ul><li>Form an independent relationship with your MIL or DIL. See each other outside of the relationship you have via your son or husband, respectively. You are both women and can sympathise with the roles you have to play in society and using this as the starting point of your relationship can help you build a healthier bond.&nbsp; </li><li>Realize that your son’s partner is not there to take him away from you. The relationship your DIL has with your son is completely different from the relationship you have with him and neither of you can replace or even emulate the other. </li><li>Every person has different needs that need to be fulfilled by different people. Your spouse is not supposed to replace every other relationship in your life and that stands true for the MIL relationship as well. Your son will always need you in the role of his mother just as he will always need your DIL in the role of his wife. And vice versa.&nbsp; </li><li>Learn to set better boundaries with each other while still being polite. Know how much you should be interfering in the life of your DIL and where it needs to stop so she can be her own person. Similarly, know which topics to not breach and where to compromise and let the other person have their opinion. Recognising each other as independent beings capable of making good decisions is key to this. </li><li>Walk away from fights in order to not escalate any situation.&nbsp; </li></ul>

Bottom Line

When someone from the outside joins a family, they won’t fit into the system starting from day one. There will always be an adjustment period where clashes and little fights are bound to break out and cause friction.&nbsp; Mother-in-laws can empathise with their daughters-in-laws as they have been in a similar role before and know what works and doesn’t. The relationship between you two will not be perfect overnight and will require work and effort each day as all relationships do. It’s important to realise that the benefits you reap for this later on are greater than the initial discomfort you might feel.&nbsp;

Dr. Safia Mehmood

Warning Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Humans have an inherent need to connect with each other and form strong relationships based on mental, emotional and physical bonding. This is also important for a person&rsquo;s overall wellbeing and survival in society. Sometimes, however, these relationships are the very thing that can be detrimental to our peace and happiness. In such cases we label it as an <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/shame-the-most-toxic-emotion">abusive or a toxic relationship</a>.&nbsp;

Anyone of us can end up in these harmful dynamics without realizing it. No one ever actively chooses to step into an abusive relationship. What usually happens is that they will start off as incredible adventures and turn sour our time. It&rsquo;s not easy to gauge whether a relationship might become toxic or abusive over time but there are always some warning signs you can look out for. It&rsquo;s also important to acknowledge that an abusive relationship isn&rsquo;t always a romantic relationship. Your relationships with a friend, a family member or even your boss and coworkers might also be prone to some toxicity.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Four basic principles

Abusive relationships operate on the four basic principles of verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation and humiliation. There is an insidious erosion of your boundaries and self-respect.

Warning Signs

So here are some signs to help you identify why a certain relationship is making you feel sick and when you might need to step back.

<ul>
	<li>It&rsquo;s All Happening So Fast: We have all been raised on stories where a girl meets a guy and its love at first sight. They always go on to live happily ever after within a span of five days or even less. This, however, doesn&rsquo;t really work out in real life. If someone is moving really fast, making all kinds of magnificent claims, wants to spend time with you seven days a week and makes you feel like you have known each other forever, chances are that they aren&rsquo;t being honest about their intentions.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

These excessive displays of affection too early on in a relationship are called &lsquo;love bombing&rsquo;. It is exactly what it sounds like. Being bombarded with too much love soon makes one feel as if they&rsquo;re being swept off their feet. This eventually leads to the individual not making any of their decisions with a clear head.&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>They Simply Know Better: This is one of the most common way abusers start controlling you. They will lead with statements such as &ldquo;this doesn&rsquo;t really suit who you are as a person&rdquo; which entails that they know who you are better than you do. This is how control and manipulation are slowly introduced into the relationship and you lose sight of who you were before you stepped into the dynamic.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Were &lsquo;Just&rsquo; Joking: Your relationship might be abusive if your partner subtly puts you down, especially in front of others and then plays it off as a joke. This is a humiliation tactic and will lead to a diminishing self-esteem. This is usually done to ensure the partner never leaves or realises that they deserve better.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Hypersensitivity: Interestingly enough, even though your partner gets to joke around and make you feel bad about yourself, you can&rsquo;t do that to them. Even the tiniest of snubs can lead to an over-reaction and most often than not it is based on perceived slights rather than anything rooted in reality. Abusive partners are extremely sensitive about how their partner perceives them, behaves around them and are prone to jealousy.</li>
	<li>Jealousy: If your partner gets jealous any time your attention and efforts are engaged elsewhere then that is a huge red flag. Interestingly enough it doesn&rsquo;t even have to be another potential partner, it can be anything from a family member to a pet and sometimes even kids.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Can&rsquo;t Take No For An Answer: Abusive partners don&rsquo;t allow you to change your mind and will hold it against you when a boundary is drawn.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Inconsistency: Now, even though you aren&rsquo;t allowed to change your mind, they get to have the complete freedom to do so. It&rsquo;s very often noted in abusive relationships that there are cycles of hot and cold. One moment they can&rsquo;t live without you and the next moment they can&rsquo;t live with you. The hot and cold dynamic also keeps the abused partner coming for more in hopes that this time it will be better.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Emotional Isolation: Abusers emotionally isolate their victims in order to exercise complete control over them. This way the person being abused has no one to talk to and get an outside opinion on the relationship. This allows the abuse to continue indefinitely or until the victim realizes what&rsquo;s been happening.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Aren&rsquo;t Nice To Others: This is usually one of the earliest warning signs. If your partner treats you well but can&rsquo;t be nice to the waiting staff or is backbiting their friends or coworkers, then chances are that soon enough you will also suffer the same fate. There initial respect and accommodation will fade away once they are secure in the knowledge that they have you.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Are Perpetual Victims: Have you ever met someone who claims that all of their past relationships failed because the other person was at fault? In their life, nothing ever works out despite their best efforts. This is a very clear warning sign that once things go even slightly wrong in your relationship, you will have to accept the blame. Abusers don&rsquo;t accept blame or portray even the slightest accountability. Everything is someone else&rsquo;s fault.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Don&rsquo;t Communicate Openly: A very commonly noted theme in abusive relationships is that the abusive partner expects the other to read their mind and anticipate their needs. There is a lack of open and honest communication and the partner is punished for not being intuitive.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Gas Lighting: This is perhaps what wreaks the most havoc on an individual&rsquo;s self-esteem. The abusive partner tells you that everything you think or know is wrong and you are made to question your reality. If it goes on for long enough, you might start questioning everything your own brain tells you and rely solely on your partner to help you navigate through life.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Act Differently In Social Settings: Does your partner treat you differently when you are around others? Chances are that you are stuck in an abusive relationship. This can go two ways; they are extremely nice to you in front of others while abusive behind closed doors or vice versa.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Financial Control: This is common in relationships where the abusive partner is the sole earner. However, many people have also been scammed out of their money by their significant others. The partner controls all your expenses and you are usually not given enough to be financially secure. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

In the end it&rsquo;s important to note that that if you have suffered from an abusive relationship or are currently in one, it&rsquo;s not your fault. One can&rsquo;t always see it coming and it&rsquo;s quite common that the heady mixture of meeting a handsome stranger and the promise of new love takes hold of us.&nbsp;

However, arming yourself with appropriate knowledge allows you to identify when something might be off about a person or a relationship. Find a healthy balance between being curious and approachable and being suspicious and careful when meeting new people.&nbsp;

Step gradually into a relationship and carefully gauge your compatibility with the new person/s you&rsquo;re introducing into your life. Relational abuse can have lasting impact on one&rsquo;s life and it&rsquo;s critical to be aware of it.&nbsp;

This article or video has been vetted and verified by Meri Sehat’s specialists. It contains citations and research from validated sources.

How To Rekindle Love In Long-Term Relationships

We have all fallen in love madly, irrevocably and ardently. We have also seen these same overwhelming and all-consuming feelings take a back seat once the honeymoon phase is over. With time every long-term relationship stands the risk of turning stale. The feelings that ensured that your partner was all you thought about in the beginning aren&rsquo;t as intense anymore. It either turns into warm and cozy affection or you might be one of those people who have completely gone cold over your partner. Human beings have a strong predisposition to get bored of things, and even people, but this is just an inevitable consequence of familiarity. You have just had so much of your lover that you now take them for granted.&nbsp;

If you think you might have ended up at this very boring stage in your relationship then here are some ways you can rekindle the flame: 
&nbsp;

ways to  rekindle love

<h5>Be Mindful</h5>

Listen to your partner attentively, know what they like or don&rsquo;t like, get them flowers occasionally, drop in a flirty text in the middle of the day and make sure you are mindful of their needs. This can also include helping them with household chores or helping them run errands. These small acts of kindness go a long way in keeping love afloat.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<h5>Go On Dates</h5>

It might seem like a daunting task to schedule dates amongst work and kids and that book you had to finish but it&rsquo;s definitely worth it to bring back those initial jitters of love. You can dress up and separately reach the restaurant where you first met and be courted by your partner and forget for a moment that they are the ones you get to go home and take care of bills with the next day. 
&nbsp;

<h5>Cultivate Healthy Space</h5>

Quite paradoxically, one very important aspect of a healthy long-term relationship is independence. Learning to take care of your emotional needs on your own, recognising your triggers and seeking help for them if and when needed can ensure these don&rsquo;t bug your partner or you don&rsquo;t end up projecting your own pain and preoccupations on them. We have all seen or heard of people struggling at work come home and take that anger out on their partner. This is exactly what we don&rsquo;t want to do to someone we claim to love so much. Have your own hobbies and interests and let your partner have the same. Coming back to your partner after the tiniest of breaks can be extremely refreshing.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<h5>Learn How To Argue</h5>

Every relationship is at risk of moments of frustration. When our sentiments are hurt our first instinct is to argue. It&rsquo;s better to communicate your hurt instead of arguing. Learn the art of lovingly repairing the relationship, the art of forgiveness and understanding and seeing your partner&rsquo;s point of view. Understand that your partner isn&rsquo;t necessarily bad or evil but might also be reaching out to you from a place of hurt. Take little squabbles as a sign that your partner still cares enough about you to bug you over little things instead of being completely checked out. Playfully pointing this out can also make you both realise what&rsquo;s at stake in the moment.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<h5>Honest Conversations</h5>

Ask them what they would like to be appreciated for more often and what you might have been taking for granted so far. Consequently, you can let them know the same things about you. In the beginning we tend to give each other compliments about the tiniest of things, but very often, this doesn&rsquo;t continue or happen as frequently in long-term relationships. Brining this one little practice back can help reignite that lost spark and make your partner feel more appreciated.&nbsp;

Similarly, it could help to ask them what they like to be forgiven for and letting them know the same. We all carry guilt about some of our behaviours and can start resenting our partners for making us feel that way about hurting them. Brining these wounds to light and practicing <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/what-does-true-forgiveness-look-like-and-how-to-move-on-22347">mutual forgiveness</a> can help ward of these negative feelings.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<h5>Try New Things</h5>

According to research, partners who share more new experiences together experienced more intimacy than those who only shared familiar experiences. The anxiety of that new task ahead of you, holding each other&rsquo;s hand through it and successfully executing it can bring you both closer and build deeper levels of trust as well.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<h5>Document Your Love</h5>

When you try that new thing together or go to that one very interesting date, make sure to take pictures! We all make fun of people who take selfies but these are exactly the kind of things you can look back on and reminisce about the good times. It can also help remind you of all the good and happy feelings your partner brought out in you when you are particularly annoyed at them.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

<h5>Touch Your Partner</h5>

This is not necessarily sexual, although that definitely helps, but small daily acts of physical intimacy and affection can help revitalise a relationship. 
&nbsp;

Contrary to popular belief, love is an action and not just a fleeting intense feeling that can make everything work out on its own. Every long-term relationship will require routine maintenance this is usually worth it. To find that initial spark with someone you have gotten so familiar and comfortable with can be a really interesting feeling and many older couples have reported that they found it to be a very pleasant surprise.

How Your Emotional Relationship With Your Partner Affects Your Sex Life

Emotional <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-sexual-intimacy-with-their-partner-keeps-women-young">intimacy </a>isn&rsquo;t just crucial for a long lasting and fulfilling relationship, it affects your sex life as well &mdash; does that perk up your ears yet?

Well, here&rsquo;s more: Physical intimacy can directly impact how close you feel to your partner. But how can that be true? Aren&rsquo;t sex and emotion two different things? Science begs to differ. When it comes to how our brain processes either of these things, it&rsquo;s been observed that sex and emotion affect the same pathways in the brain. 
&nbsp;

Emotional Relationship And  Sex Life

According to a neuroscience blog at Tufts University, sexual arousal doesn&rsquo;t happen on its own. It&rsquo;s not an isolated process and is highly impacted by our overall emotional state. Emotions, which are an evolutionary process that act as a sort of compass to tell us what our needs are in any given situation, guide us to make or unmake certain decisions.

Have you ever been in the mood for love which was ruined by unnecessary nagging by your partner? Or perhaps you were the one who said something rude and untoward and ruined a perfectly good date night? This is because we see that a deluge of negative emotions usually leads to the individual being drawn away from their partner whereas positive emotions have exactly the opposite impact.

With marriage or long-term partnerships, it seems that sex often turns into an obligation or another task to mark off your list. On top of bills, groceries and kids, who has time to actually get sexually intimate? Especially when you spend half your time arguing over these things.

We look for ways to &ldquo;spice&rdquo; up our sex lives, there are ebbs and flows to how strongly we connect with our partners depending on our moods and petty fights can lead to distance in the bedroom. But before we look for out of the box methods to achieve closeness with our <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/why-do-some-people-prefer-porn-over-sex-with-their-partners">partners</a>, here&rsquo;s a simple solution: emotional intimacy. 
&nbsp;

When you and your partner are emotionally attuned to each other&rsquo;s needs, this can ultimately lead to a better sex life. Emotional intimacy means being able to be transparent and open with one another, safely, which means letting each other know about feelings of appreciation, insecurities, dreams, failures, fears and embarrassments.

It also means taking care of each other&rsquo;s emotional well-being. 
&nbsp;

This requires one to be extremely vulnerable and forthcoming with their partner. We all know that good sex involves the ability to openly communicate with one another. One doesn&rsquo;t need to work too hard to imagine how communication in the bedroom can be improved if both partners have a healthy emotional relationship.

&ldquo;When we feel physically and emotionally safe, we may be freer to try new things, more open to new experiences, and more willing to share some vulnerable parts of ourselves. This can include exploring pleasure, gender identity, and sexual orientation,&rdquo; says Dr Sara C. Flower, VP of Education &amp; Training at Planned Parenthood, United States. 
&nbsp;

Ultimately, your sexual satisfaction hinges on your emotional satisfaction. It&rsquo;s all in your hands so to speak. At the end of the day, active listening, helping with house chores, regular date nights, words of affirmation and love, regularly checking in with each other, being considerate of each other&rsquo;s needs and just a hint of forgiveness and compassion can help you get laid more often.

Love In A Long-Term Relationship

Everyone in a long-term relationship will tell you one thing, consistently across the board: It is hard work. Those of us who are young and uninitiated often wonder, why would you have to work in a relationship?&nbsp;

It turns out that relationships are not as linear as pop culture tells you they are. There are ups and downs, there are some very high highs and some very low lows and, in between, there is happiness, love, <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-sexual-intimacy-with-their-partner-keeps-women-young">intimacy </a>and all that wonderful stuff.&nbsp;

All of this has been neatly divided into five stages that all long-term relationships go through. This isn&rsquo;t a linear process but rather what happens as a cycle that you both will go through together. They are also not as clear cut or happen in neat succession, however, it&rsquo;s helpful to be deliberately reductive when trying to understand the anatomy of a long-term relationship.&nbsp;

Let&rsquo;s see what these stages are:&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

anatomy of a long-term relationship

This can last anywhere from two weeks to two years and is usually where you feel the initial attraction, the heady mixture of falling and soaring in love and find your partner to have absolutely no flaws. Both partners view each other through rose-coloured glasses and focus primarily on their similarities and shared interests. Red flags are ignored, incompatibilities are brushed under the carpet.&nbsp;

Our bodies also help the situation along with feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine. Many people choose to end the relationship once the honeymoon phase is over and look for the next person who can provide them this very specific cocktail. They never get to experience the reward of a comfortable long-term relationship.

It&rsquo;s important to not jump into any big, serious commitments such as marriage or having a kid during this phase since both parties are currently on their best behaviour. It&rsquo;s also essential to have a support system that can identify whether you are doing the right thing and point out any red flags. Many a times you will not listen to this but just knowing these things can go a long way. This is often the shortest stage too.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

This is marked primarily by doubt and denial since this is where the reality of the person you are with starts dawning on you. It might happen slowly or all at once. All that stuff you brushed under the carpet now starts bugging you, you start identifying things about them that you can&rsquo;t stand, the incompatibilities between you two start glaring at you.&nbsp;

This can trigger a fight-or-flight response. But remember that flight isn&rsquo;t always a cowardly stance and sometimes fighting for the wrong relationship can mean letting something good pass you by. Be honest with yourself about your intention behind fighting for this relationship, is it a need to be right about your earlier assessment of them? Is it denial? Is it a fear that no one else will ever put up with you again?&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Either way, we end up having the face the fact that this person isn&rsquo;t the perfect soulmate we were imaging them to be and one has to come to terms with the real person in front of them. All this finally puts a stop to the honeymoon phase and wakes you up from the dream. But this is also where the real relationship begins. Once you are done grieving the loss of your personal idea of who your partner was, you can work with them to create an environment where both of you come together to celebrate your similarities and work through your differences.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Now, if those wake-up calls are about small things that can be remedied, such as your partner not putting the laundry in the right place, then that can be worked through. Fundamental differences in principles and values however are very hard to compromise on and can later lead to resentment. This is when the power struggle starts and both partners are ready to fight to death on their personal stance.

It&rsquo;s also important to know that arguments and a little bit of healthy friction is a normal part of every relationship and it&rsquo;s important to communicate with your partner to work through these rough bits together. Openness, honesty and mutual respect can take you a long way in any relationship.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

This is when the distance comes in and many marriages in the previous generation were stuck at this stage. Not talking to each other or being honest about your needs, your discomforts with your partner, holding resentment and a refusal to actually address any issue is what marks this stage. Both partners tend to emotionally and physically withdraw from each other and seriously start evaluating whether it&rsquo;s worth it to continue the relationship or not. There might be a numbness on both ends since the initial intense feelings of disappointment and anger fizzle away.&nbsp;&nbsp;

So, how do we make it through this? Choosing to stick by your initial commitment, honour the promises you made and fighting for each other while providing enough space to heal the relationship works wonders.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

This is signified by a complete acceptance that no relationship is perfect and you both respect each other enough to work through any and every bit of trouble together.&nbsp;And this time your love is based on reality, so it is more likely to stand the test of time!&nbsp;

Couples who make it through all previous stages know that they are well-equipped to deal with their issues together with open and honest communication, they are more at peace with their differences and maintain healthy space and independence.&nbsp;

The commitment to the relationship is recognised at both ends and there is no more attacking or defending when things go awry. This is where people also claim to have fallen in love all over again with their partner.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

There&rsquo;s a very real chance to get stuck at one of these stages in your relationship forever and being unable to find a way out of it. Educating yourself on these stages helps you not only recognise but work through these stages effectively. It will not be a walk in the park but it will also not be the worst thing you will ever do. You may find yourself back in some stages after having worked through them previously and that is also completely normal and expected. As long as you are your partner are committed to working it out, you can manage (almost) anything together.&nbsp;

The Four Horsemen That Signal The End Of A Relationship

The end of a relationship can be a tough and painful experience for anyone. It&#39;s important to recognize the signs that indicate the <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-to-rekindle-love-in-long-term-relationships">relationship </a>is on the brink of ending. According to relationship expert John Gottman, there are four behaviors that he calls &quot;The Four Horsemen&quot; that signal the end of a relationship. 
&nbsp;

The Four Horsemen

<ol>
	<li>Criticism &ndash; The first horseman is criticism. Criticism is not the same as complaining. It&#39;s attacking your partner&#39;s character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior or action. For example, saying &quot;You&#39;re so lazy&quot; is a criticism, whereas saying &quot;I wish you would help out more around the house&quot; is a complaint. Criticism can be damaging to a relationship because it puts your partner on the defensive and makes them feel attacked. It can also be quite unnecessary because instead of finding ways to come together and resolve the issue, you have resorted to personal insults and injury. This can only lead to resentment and distance between partners and eventually you may not want to deal with each other at all. 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Defensiveness &ndash; The second horseman is defensiveness. When your partner criticizes you, it&#39;s natural to want to defend yourself. However, defensiveness can be a relationship killer. It blocks communication and prevents any progress from being made. Instead of being defensive, try to listen to your partner&#39;s concerns and take responsibility for your own actions. Don&rsquo;t start blindly advocating for yourself without taking a good look at where your partner may be right and you really do need to make some changes. A relationship can only work out when you&rsquo;re not treating your partner as an enemy who is out to get you. 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Contempt &ndash; The third horseman is contempt. Contempt is when you disrespect your partner, either through verbal or non-verbal means. This can include eye-rolling, sarcasm, or name-calling. Contempt is extremely damaging to a relationship because it sends the message that you don&#39;t respect your partner and don&#39;t value their thoughts or feelings. This is especially hurtful when done in public although doing it privately isn&rsquo;t doing your relationship any favors either. Your partner can tell when you actually resent them and are never not ready to put them down for the tiniest of things. 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Stonewalling &ndash; This is the fourth. Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws from the conversation or completely shuts down. They may give the silent treatment or refuse to engage in any meaningful conversation. Stonewalling can be a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotions. However, it can be incredibly damaging to a relationship because it prevents any resolution from being reached. Ofcourse it&rsquo;s healthy if you must take time out to sort your emotions out and come back to have a mature conversation instead of being reactive to your partner. But when you&rsquo;re stonewalling you&rsquo;re indicating that you simply don&rsquo;t care and much rather not resolve the issue that&rsquo;s been concerning your partner. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ol>

Conclusion

In conclusion, recognizing these four horsemen is crucial in saving a relationship. If you and your partner find yourselves engaging in these behaviors often enough, it&#39;s important to take steps to address them. This can include seeking counseling, practicing better communication skills, and making a conscious effort to show respect and empathy towards your partner. With effort and dedication, it is possible to overcome these negative patterns and create a stronger and healthier relationship. 
&nbsp;

Slowly Fading Away: What is ‘Quiet Quitting’ a Relationship?

Quiet quitting a relationship refers to ending a romantic relationship without clearly communicating to your partner that you wish to break up. Instead, you gradually withdraw from the relationship, stop communicating as much, and make yourself less available. While this approach may seem less confrontational, it can have significant negative effects on both partners. 
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Quiet quitting a relationship

One reason people choose to quietly quit a relationship is that they may not want to hurt their partner&#39;s feelings. They may feel guilty or anxious about ending the relationship, and so they try to avoid the difficult conversation altogether. However, this approach can actually be more hurtful in the long run. When one partner starts to withdraw and become less responsive, the other partner may feel confused, rejected, and insecure. They may wonder what they did wrong or why their partner is suddenly distant. This can lead to feelings of <a href="https://merisehat.pk/disease/anxiety">anxiety</a>, <a href="https://merisehat.pk/disease/depression">depression</a>, and low self-esteem.

Another reason people choose to quietly quit a relationship is that they may not want to deal with the emotional fallout of a breakup. They may fear that their partner will become angry or upset, and so they try to avoid the conflict by withdrawing slowly. However, this approach can actually make the breakup more painful and drawn-out. When one partner starts to pull away, it can create a sense of uncertainty and tension in the relationship. The other partner may feel like something is wrong but not know how to address it. This can lead to arguments, resentment, and even more hurt feelings. 
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One of the most significant negative effects of quiet quitting a relationship is that it can damage trust and communication between partners. When one partner starts to withdraw, it can create a sense of distance and distrust. The other partner may feel like they can&#39;t rely on their partner to be honest and upfront with them. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and make it harder for both partners to express their feelings and needs. Over time, this can erode the foundation of the relationship and make it harder for either partner to feel connected or invested.

If you are considering quiet quitting a relationship, it&#39;s important to take a step back and consider the long-term consequences. While it may seem like the easier route in the short term, it can cause significant harm to both partners in the long run. Instead, try to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. It may be uncomfortable or difficult, but it can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship in the future. 
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If you are on the receiving end of a quiet quitting, it&#39;s important to be proactive about addressing the situation. Don&#39;t assume that your partner&#39;s distance is a sign of disinterest or apathy. Instead, try to have an open and honest conversation with them about how you are feeling and what you need from the relationship. This can help to clarify any misunderstandings and create a stronger sense of trust and communication between partners.

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In conclusion, while quiet quitting a relationship may seem like an easier or less confrontational approach to ending a relationship, it can have significant negative effects on both partners. It can damage trust and communication between partners, create feelings of insecurity and rejection, and make the breakup more painful and drawn-out. If you are considering quietly quitting a relationship, it&#39;s important to take a step back and consider the long-term consequences. Instead, try to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. This can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship in the future. 
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Rukhsana Rizwan

The Signs That Your Relationship Is Based On Loneliness Not Love

Humans are social creatures, and we all crave companionship and love. However, sometimes, we may mistake our desire for company with true love. Due to this, we may <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/slowly-fading-away-what-is-quiet-quitting-a-relationship">end up in a relationship</a> that is based solely on loneliness, rather than genuine love and authentic connection. Here are some signs that this may be true in your case: 
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Signs You Should Know

<ul>
	<li>You settle for less than you deserve &ndash; One of the most obvious signs that your relationship is based on loneliness is that you settle for less than you deserve. You may feel that you cannot do better or that it is better to be with someone, anyone, than to be on your own.</li>
	<li>You don&#39;t feel fulfilled &ndash; If you are in a relationship based on loneliness, you may feel unfulfilled. You may feel that something is missing in your life or you&rsquo;re not where you&rsquo;re supposed to be.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>You only spend time with your partner &ndash; Another sign that your relationship is based on loneliness is that you may not have any close friends or family, and your partner is the only person you hang out with.</li>
	<li>You have different interests &ndash; If you and your partner have vastly different interests, it may be a sign that your relationship is based on loneliness. You may have nothing in common with your partner, except for the fact that they are there.</li>
	<li>You constantly seek validation &ndash; If you are in a relationship based on loneliness, you may constantly seek validation from your partner. You may feel that you constantly need them to reassure you that you are lovable and worthy of affection.</li>
	<li>You harbor deep resentment &ndash; If you feel resentful and angry towards your partner for their past actions and yet aren&rsquo;t willing to exit the relationship then you might just be sticking around for fear of loneliness.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>You can&rsquo;t be yourself around them &ndash; If you have to hide certain aspects of yourself to keep the harmony in the relationship and you&rsquo;re willing to do so just to retain your partner, then you may be operating from a place of loneliness.&nbsp;</li>
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It is important to understand that being in a relationship based on loneliness is not healthy. It can lead to feelings of emptiness, sadness and even depression. It is important to take steps to address these feelings and find a way to build meaningful relationships based on love and mutual respect. If you suspect that your relationship is based on loneliness, there are things you can do to address the issue. The first step is to acknowledge the problem and be honest with yourself about your feelings. From there, you can take steps to improve your self-esteem and build meaningful connections with others.

You can also work on developing a healthy relationship with yourself. This means learning to love and appreciate yourself for who you are, rather than relying on someone else for validation.

If you are struggling to break free from a relationship based on loneliness, seeking the help of a therapist or counselor can be beneficial. A professional can help you understand your feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms to deal with them. 
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Being in any relationship is hard work but having to lie to yourself and stay in a relationship just because of a fear of loneliness is neither healthy nor sustainable in the long term. It is important to take steps to address these feelings and build meaningful connections with others. With time, patience, and effort, it is possible to find love and companionship based on mutual respect and genuine affection.
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The Studies Are In - Men Are More Selfishly Dishonest Than Women

The psychological differences between the <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/shifting-paradigms-the-impact-of-dating-apps-on-traditional-gender-roles">two genders</a> have been a hot-topic of discussion for years and researchers have been investigating various aspects of men and women&#39;s behavior and personality traits. One area that has been much explored is the difference in honesty levels between men and women. Not that we needed an official announcement, the latest studies are in and it turns out that men are more selfishly dishonest than women. 
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Psychological Difference between men and women

Several studies have been conducted to explore the difference in honesty levels between men and women. One study published in the Journal of Economic Psychology found that men are more likely to lie about their earnings in a competitive environment. The study found that men exaggerated their earnings by an average of 33%, while women exaggerated their earnings by only 20%. The researchers concluded that men&#39;s dishonesty was driven by their desire to win and outperform others and they were willing to take drastic steps in order to achieve their objectives.

Another study published in the journal PLOS One found that men are more likely to cheat in a game that measures their honesty levels. The game involved flipping a coin and reporting the result to receive a cash prize. Men were more likely to cheat by reporting a result that favored them, even when they knew that they would not be caught. Women, on the other hand, were less likely to cheat and reported the actual result more often. 
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Similarly, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology also published a study that found that men are more likely to engage in deception to obtain sex. The study involved asking participants to imagine a scenario where they were interested in having sex with a person they had just met. We learned that men were more likely to lie about their interests and intentions to increase their chances of having sex. Women, on the other hand, were more likely to be forthcoming about their interests and intentions.&nbsp;

So, what causes men to be more selfishly dishonest than women? Evolutionary psychologists suggest that this behavior may have evolved as a result of competition between men for access to resources and mates. According to this theory, men have evolved to be more competitive and aggressive to ensure their survival and reproductive success. This competitive nature may have led to a higher propensity for dishonesty, as men may feel that they need to lie or cheat to win. A common theme one can observe here is that the desire to achieve/obtain something, whether it be prestige or something as trivial as sex, is more important to men than the desire to be an honest and upstanding citizen&nbsp;

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It is important to note that not all men are selfishly dishonest, and not all women are completely honest. These studies suggest that there may be a small but significant difference in honesty levels between the genders. It is also important to consider that cultural and social factors may influence honesty levels. At the end of the day, every individual is unique and we must take these studies as a caution rather than a warning.&nbsp;

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How Fairy Tales Set Us Up For Romantic Failure

Growing up, every story that we heard or every kids&rsquo; movie that we watched, all had one thing in common. It was that the princess got a loving, ready-to-give-it-all-away prince. Also, despite not bring very blatant about it, often these stories have glorified that mere title of the prince and how it indicates that the ending is a happy one because the significant other is rich.&nbsp;

There is are a plethora of things that are morally wrong with our go-to favorite fairytales that we normalized so much as kids that it never raised a red flag in our heads until now. A great example of this is of Sleeping Beauty and Snow White and the 7 dwarves. Both of these fairytales normalized getting kissed by a stranger while you are asleep. 
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Fairy tales have been a staple of children&#39;s literature for centuries. They are often filled with magical characters, enchanting settings, and tales of love and <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/more-than-just-romance" target="_blank">romance</a>. While they are beloved by many, fairy tales can also be incredibly damaging. From a young age, children are exposed to the idea that love is easy, and that their lives should be filled with romance and passion. However, this is not always the case, and fairy tales can set us up for romantic failure in many ways. 
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False Hopes

Fairy tales often portray love as an all-encompassing, all-consuming emotion that is easy to find. Characters fall in love at first sight, and live happily ever after without any problems. However, this portrayal of love is unrealistic and sets up false hopes for children. When they grow up, they may feel that love should be easy, and that their relationships should always be filled with passion and romance. However, this is not the case. Relationships take work, and it is unrealistic to expect that they will always be perfect. 
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Fairy tales often portray rigid gender roles, with men as the strong, heroic figures and women as the passive, helpless victims. This perpetuates harmful stereotypes and reinforces gender inequality. It also sets up unrealistic expectations for relationships, with men expected to be the strong protectors and women expected to be the submissive partners. This can lead to toxic relationships where one partner feels they have to be dominant over the other, rather than working together as equals. 
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Fairy tales often portray physical beauty as the most important attribute of a person. Characters are often described as stunningly beautiful, and this is often what attracts the hero to the heroine. This can lead to unrealistic beauty standards for young people, especially young girls. They may feel that they have to be physically perfect to find love, and this can lead to negative body image and self-esteem issues. 
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Fairy tales often portray the idea of the one true love, the idea that there is only one person in the world for each of us. This is a harmful idea, as it can lead people to hold out for an idealized version of love that may not exist. People are complex, and it is unrealistic to expect that there is only one person in the world who can make us happy. This can lead to a pattern of chasing after an idealized version of love, rather than focusing on building real relationships with real people. 
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Move Beyond Fairy Tales

Moving beyond the damaging effects of fairy tales is a process, and it takes time and effort. Here are some steps you can take to move beyond fairy tales and create healthier relationships: 
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<ul>
	<li>Recognize the Unrealistic Expectations - The first step is to recognize that the expectations set up by fairy tales are unrealistic. Love is not always easy, and relationships take work. It is important to be realistic about the challenges that come with relationships.</li>
	<li>Challenge Gender Roles - Challenge gender roles and stereotypes in your own life. Be aware of the messages you receive from media and society about what it means to be a man or a woman. Work towards creating a relationship where both partners are equal and share responsibilities.</li>
	<li>Focus on Inner Beauty - Instead of focusing on physical beauty, focus on inner beauty. Look for qualities like kindness, compassion, and empathy in a partner. These are the qualities that will make a relationship last.</li>
	<li>Let Go of the One True Love Myth - Let go of the idea of the one true love. Instead, focus on building real relationships with real people. Love is not always easy, but it is possible to find happiness with someone who loves and respects you. 
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</ul>

In conclusion, fairy tales can be damaging to our understanding of love and relationships. They perpetuate harmful stereotypes, unrealistic expectations. 
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Umna Salah

Congratulations, you&rsquo;ve just had a baby! This is a wonderful milestone that can bring so much joy and love to your life. However, it&rsquo;s no secret that having a child can put a strain on your relationship with your significant other. It&rsquo;s important to remember that while you&rsquo;re adjusting to life with a new baby, you can still prioritize your relationship and find ways to make it work.

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ways to focus on your relationship

Here are five ways to focus on your relationship/marriage after having children:

<ul>
	<li>Schedule Time For Just The Two Of You: It&rsquo;s important to set aside some time to spend with your partner without your baby around. This could be as simple as going out for a walk, enjoying a meal together, or having a movie night at home. Whatever it is, make sure it&rsquo;s a regular occurrence and that it&rsquo;s a time for just the two of you to connect and enjoy each other&rsquo;s company. A crucial aspect of this is having reliable help or babysitters to avoid any last-minute cancellations. 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Communicate Openly And Honestly: Communication is key in any relationship but it becomes even more important when you have your first child. Make sure you&rsquo;re talking to your partner about your feelings, your expectations and any concerns you might have. If you have been feeling ignored or on the flip side have less patience for your partner, this also needs to be talked about. Communication can be especially important when it comes to making decisions about parenting. Being on the same page as your partner can help you navigate this new chapter of your life with greater ease. 
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	<li>Share Parenting Responsibilities: It&rsquo;s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you have to do everything on your own when you have a new baby. However, it&rsquo;s important to remember that parenting responsibilities should be shared equally between you and your partner. This not only helps you avoid becoming overwhelmed, but it can also strengthen your relationship as you work together to raise your child. Most of the workplaces now have the option for both maternity and paternity leaves so make sure you&rsquo;re availing this and making the most of it. 
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	<li>Get Support From Family And Friends: Yes, it does take a village to raise a child and this is especially true when it comes to taking care of yourself and your relationship. Don&rsquo;t be afraid to ask for help from family and friends, whether it&rsquo;s someone to babysit for a few hours or just someone to talk to when you need it. Having a strong support system can make a big difference in your ability to focus on your relationship and your own well-being. 
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	<li>Keep The Romance Alive: Finally, it&rsquo;s important to remember that just because you have a child, it doesn&rsquo;t mean that romance has to fall by the wayside. Try to keep the romance alive in your relationship by doing little things like leaving love notes for your partner, getting them some flowers or tiny tokens of appreciation, planning a special date night or even just taking the time to snuggle and cuddle. These small gestures can make a big difference in keeping the spark alive in your relationship. 
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</ul>

Having a child is a wonderful milestone in life but it can also be a challenge to maintain a strong relationship with your significant other once this has been achieved. By design, now you have more things to worry about and a worried mind is not very well-equipped for romance and connection. Remember that with effort, patience, communication and love, you can build a strong, happy and healthy family unit. What&rsquo;s more is that your kids will also benefit from this in the long-term when they see healthy partnership being modelled for them. 
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