Discover how shame hinders sexual pleasure in relationships. Learn why both men and women struggle and how to overcome shame to experience intimacy

How Shame Prevents Men And Women From Experiencing Pleasure With Their Partners

Why do we call it a “walk of shame” when we are usually quite proud of ourselves afterwards?

Overview

Sex and morality have long been linked together whether it comes to men or women. We are encouraged to find companionship yet this major aspect of being partnered up is kept hushed at best. 
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Women are especially encouraged to hide that aspect of their love life. All of this has led to a deep sense of shame associated with the topic of sex. Women find it improper to be forthcoming about their active sex drives, their needs in the bedroom and wanting to mix things up. They feel a deep sense of shame when talking about it even with their husbands. 

Men, on the other hand avoid bringing up certain subjects as well as they feel it&rsquo;s inappropriate.

Walk Of Shame

The way shame manifests in men vs women is also different. Women choose to become isolated and aloof and men choose to become irritable and prone to outbursts. Neither of these things are conducive for a healthy connection let alone <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-sexual-intimacy-with-their-partner-keeps-women-young">physical intimacy</a>. 

Even if you have grown out of the ideas of propriety that were drilled into you since childhood, it&rsquo;s hard to let go of the visceral shame and discomfort that surrounds the idea of sex.

Dr Sara C. Flower, VP of Education &amp; Training at Planned Parenthood (United States) rightly observes that &ldquo;Sexual stigma can show up in many places in our lives &mdash; like feeling shame about having a period, our body shape or size, being diagnosed with a sexually-transmitted infection (STI), or our gender identity or sexual orientation. It can also stem from many sources, including our culture or religious beliefs, our upbringing, our past experiences, and even the stories we&rsquo;ve heard from others.&rdquo; 
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And then there are preset ideas of how a human body should look and feel like. Popular culture and media demand that we hide every flaw, tuck away every extra layer of fat, pluck out every last strand of hair and look a certain way in order to be considered desirable. 

The worst part about this is that your fellow human beings uphold these ideas and rigidly stick by the practice of shaming each other for perceived &lsquo;deficiencies&rsquo;. This negatively impacts the mental health of individuals that are put through this process of scrutiny. Worsening mental health means a sharp decline in sexual activity as well as demonstrated by a recent study. 
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Researchers have found that over the last 18 years, fewer adults have been partaking in sexual activity. The researchers cited several hypotheses, including the overall increase of <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/eight-lifestyle-interventions-for-major-depression">depression </a>and anxiety as potential links to this drop.

Helen B. Lewis, an American psychiatrist and psychoanalyst whose work pioneered the study of shame, argued that shame represents an entire family of emotions and doesn&rsquo;t occur as an isolated phenomenon. This can include humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatisation. She believed that shame is often experienced as a critical inner voice that quite convincingly tells us that we are inadequate, inferior or worthless. 
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Few Suggestions

So how do we ensure that these feelings of shame are kept out of the bedroom? Here are a few things Bren&eacute; Brown, the American author who dedicated much of her career to studying shame has a few suggestions:

<ul>
	<li>Journal Your Thoughts: This helps one process and connect their feelings to a larger narrative. Getting all your thoughts on paper can help you trace it back to the source and finally deal with it. 
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	<li>Get To Know Yourself: Yes, masturbate and get comfortable with your own body. Discover what you like and how you like it and then let your partner know about it. 
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	<li>Have Open Conversations With Your Partner: Open and transparent discussion about your needs has been shown to translate to a better bedroom experience. We have observed that partners who report higher levels of emotional intimacy usually have a much more happening sex life. 
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	<li>Build A&nbsp;Circle Of Empowerment: Surround yourself with those who accept you for who you are no matter your body shape or size or preferences. Although this may seem irrelevant but a fully accepting and safe environment can help you deal with shame quite effectively. 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Talk To A&nbsp;Professional: Sometimes sexual shame and guilt can stem from deep-rooted issues and a professional&rsquo;s neutral outlook is the only thing that can help one manage it. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

Bottom Line

Shame is an insidious phenomenon and it slowly takes over your entire life until you can&rsquo;t even enjoy your alone time with your partner. The way we try to deal with it is mostly through denial and brushing it off as if that can make it magically disappear, but that is never the case. However, if you do choose to undertake the behemoth task of eradicating shame from your life you can achieve higher levels of intimacy with your partner and improve your overall happiness.

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