Learn tips for shame-proof parenting and fostering a healthy parent-child relationship. Meri Sehat provides insights into promoting positive communication and emotional well-being.

How To Do Shame-proof Parenting

Shame is a powerful emotion that can cause deep psychological and emotional pain in children. It reinforces the belief that they are inherently flawed or unworthy of love and consideration.

Overview

As parents, we all want the best for our children, but sometimes our best intentions can lead to inadvertently shaming them. Parenting is hard enough without having to worry about unintentionally causing our children to feel ashamed of themselves.

Shame-proof parenting

Shaming children simply ensures that they never internalise good values and lessons so when they do behave well, they do it simply out of a desire to stay out of trouble. This means when they know trouble won&rsquo;t be around, they&rsquo;ll revert back to misbehaving. This way, all of your effort is lost as it has no lasting impact on the child. It also fails to teach empathy to children since shame reverts all their focus inside which means their capacity to feel for others is significantly diminished.&nbsp;

Similarly, the powerlessness they feel when shamed may also find its expression in unacceptable behaviour where they seek to exert their power on those that are weaker than them. Yes, we are talking about bullying! It teaches them that criticism, judgment and self-righteousness are correct ways of behaving and this causes trouble later in life when they fail to form meaningful connections due to their approach towards other people. They don&rsquo;t have any accountability and will also hide things from you, especially when they are in serious trouble.&nbsp;

My friend was raised by a mother who used shaming as the primary tool of behaviour correction. She grew up to be extremely judgmental and usually had no room when it came to mistakes of other people. This encourages people to usually have a less than affectionate and empathetic approach towards her as well. So, in this scenario, no one came out winning. This is how insidious <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/unveiling-the-impact-how-growing-up-with-shame-affects-your-sex-life">shame</a> is. That&rsquo;s why it&rsquo;s important to practice shame-proof parenting, which focuses on promoting a positive, accepting, and non-judgmental approach.

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Here are some tips to help you practice shame-proof parenting:

<ul>
	<li>Focus on the behaviour and not the child. When children misbehave, it&rsquo;s important to focus on their behaviour and not the child as a person. Instead of saying, &ldquo;You&rsquo;re a bad kid,&rdquo; say, &ldquo;What you did was not okay.&rdquo; This helps children understand that they are not inherently bad or flawed, but that their actions have consequences. 
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</ul>

<ul>
	<li>Children thrive on positive reinforcement, so be sure to praise them when they do something right. Rather than only pointing out their mistakes, celebrate their successes, and give them the confidence they need to continue to make good choices. 
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	<li>Avoid comparing your child to other kids, whether it&rsquo;s their siblings, friends, or classmates. This can be damaging to their self-esteem and start an eternal dialogue in their heads where they are always competing with others even in close intimate relationships. Instead, focus on your child&rsquo;s unique qualities and strengths and praise them for it. 
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	<li>Try to put yourself in your child&rsquo;s shoes and understand their perspective. This can help you better communicate with them and avoid inadvertently shaming them. When your child is upset or struggling, practice empathy and show them that you understand how they feel and that their emotions are valid. For example, when they don&rsquo;t like the taste of a certain medication or syrup, saying &ldquo;I know how bad it must taste but this is important for your health&rdquo; can go a long way in validating the child. 
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	<li>Be open and honest with your child. Cultivate trust and openness by talking about difficult or sensitive topics, such as sex, drugs, or mental health, in an open and honest way. This can help them feel more comfortable talking to you about these topics and can prevent them from feeling ashamed or embarrassed. 
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	<li>Children learn from what they see more than from what we tell them. So, it&rsquo;s important to model self-acceptance and self-love. Avoid speaking negatively about yourself, and practice self-care and self-compassion. Similarly, model behaviour you want to see replicated by your child. 
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	<li>Make sure your child feels safe and supported at home. Encourage open communication and create a space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. 
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	<li>To encourage the development of the desired qualities in children, we can treat them as if they already possess those qualities. By expressing our belief in their positive qualities, such as kindness and consideration, we can guide them towards living up to those standards. For instance, when they make mistakes, we can acknowledge their good intentions and help them to understand the impact of their actions, while also empowering them to make amends and grow from the experience. &ldquo;I know you are a really caring person and you wouldn&rsquo;t hurt people on purpose. Let&rsquo;s talk about what just happened.&rdquo; or &ldquo;I know that you didn&rsquo;t intend to hurt your sister&rsquo;s feelings, but that&rsquo;s what happens when mean things are said. How can you put this right?&rdquo; 
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	<li>To be effective parents, we need to recognise that the behaviours our children exhibit during their growth and development are often a natural and necessary part of their journey. We should avoid shaming or discouraging them for age-appropriate behaviours like exploring, experimenting, and making mistakes. For example, many girls are shamed for wanting to use make-up in their teens, when in fact that is a completely normal curiosity to have for a teenage girl. It&rsquo;s important to remember that children rarely act out of a desire to disappoint us or cause harm, and they are not inherently &ldquo;bad&rdquo; for doing so. This is the only way they can safely learn and grow. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

Conclusion

Practicing shame-proof parenting is not about being a perfect parent, but about creating a positive and nurturing environment for your child. By focusing on promoting self-acceptance, empathy and positive reinforcement, you can help your child develop a healthy sense of self-worth and self-esteem. And last but not the least: Parenting can be challenging, and it&rsquo;s inevitable that we may sometimes say things impulsively due to our limited patience and calmness. Making occasional mistakes is normal, but it&rsquo;s important to create a culture where children are free to explore and experiment without feeling their worth is questioned. We should avoid crushing their spirit, which may manifest as defiance or curiosity, as it&rsquo;s a crucial aspect of their development into intelligent, creative and remarkable adults in the future.

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