Do you ever wonder if Eve was really happy with Adam since she didn’t have to deal with a mother-in-law?

The Sa’as Bahu Relationship: Why There’s Friction And How To Overcome It

Discover effective ways to nurture a positive and harmonious relationship with your mother-in-law. From fostering open communication to finding common ground, learn valuable strategies to strengthen the bond and create a supportive family dynamic. Overcome challenges and cultivate a loving connection that benefits everyone involved.

Overview

We all remember the early 2000s romantic comedy, Monster-in-Law. It was not only funny, tragic, and wholesome, but also quite exaggerated. But there might be some truth to this clich&eacute; after all.&nbsp;

In Pakistani society alone, we can knock on any door and find a scorned mother-in-law (MIL) who has a thousand problems with her daughter-in-law (DIL), imagined and real.&nbsp;

If you belong to a certain age group, you have heard your married friends wax poetic about how unfair and cruel their MILs are. There are a thousand television serials on local channels on this topic as well.&nbsp;

So, why does this happen and why is it so rampant? Shouldn&rsquo;t women be sticking together? Wouldn&rsquo;t you, as a MIL, want your son to be happy with his partner? Are we stuck with the curse of a clich&eacute;d daggers-drawn sa&rsquo;as-bahu relationship or can we work our way around it?&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

First let&rsquo;s look at some reasons why there is such an intense power struggle between the two:&nbsp; 
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<ul>
	<li>Mothers who are particularly close to their sons, due to having established that dynamic early on or due to having had an unfulfilling marriage, start viewing their sons as surrogate husbands. This means that anytime someone from the outside comes and lays a claim on her son&rsquo;s affections, attention and time, there will be friction with that person. Now, imagine that person is married to your son. This leads to an underlying feeling of jealousy that is awkward to acknowledge let alone talk about. It instead comes out as unnecessary fights and nagging behavior by the MIL.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

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<ul>
	<li>The son also becomes the person she reaches out to for all kinds of emotional support, so if this has been happening since the formative years, these men end up internalising the fact that their mother &ldquo;needs&rdquo; them and can&rsquo;t survive on her own. Observing her husband with this saviour complex is not easy for the DIL either and leads to a natural distaste in their relationship.&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li><a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/how-to-manage-anxiety" target="_blank">Separation anxiety</a> is when a person&rsquo;s daily functioning is affected by the absence of the other and usually occurs due to unhealthy co-dependence. Unhealthy co-dependence between the MIL and the son leads to separation anxiety when the time comes to let the son go. Both of them will experience this anxiety to some extent and can lead to friction in the MIL-DIL relationship. The MIL subconsciously detests her DIL for causing this separation.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>The DIL and MIL also tend to observe the son as their source of survival in the family or society at large and are competing for the same thing: the favour of one man. This is another reason why there might be some inherent dislike between the two.&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Some MILs also tend to hate those DILs who have a better financial footing than their son. Since the chances of them leaving their sons are high as they aren&rsquo;t as dependent on their husband for survival. Whether the DIL plans to or not is not relevant here. This is then taken as a personal slight since it&rsquo;s in the MIL&rsquo;s vested interest that their sons continue to have a healthy ongoing partnership. It reflects on her upbringing as well as their son&rsquo;s moral character.&nbsp;&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Some MILs continue to view their sons as perpetual children where they aren&rsquo;t allowed to grow and form their own opinions or have their own life. It&rsquo;s especially true for the desi society where men aren&rsquo;t allowed to grow past the role of extremely coddled sons. This also gives rise to a controlling parenting style where the mother gets to decide how the son behaves in society at large and with the DIL as well. This naturally makes the DIL despise the mother as the controlling behaviour can and will extend to her as well.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>There are natural feelings of envy and jealousy even outside of the relationship these two have through their son and husband. The MIL can envy the youth, beauty and opportunities the DIL has while the DIL might be jealous of the power her MIL wields.&nbsp; 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

How to Navigate it Better

The curse of the MIL and DIL relationship might have a cure and it is entirely possible for the two to have a healthy relationship not bogged down by society’s expectations and pre-set rules. Leading with compassion and empathy can go a long way and has to come from both sides.&nbsp;Some of the things you can do to combat the natural friction are:&nbsp; <ul><li>Form an independent relationship with your MIL or DIL. See each other outside of the relationship you have via your son or husband, respectively. You are both women and can sympathise with the roles you have to play in society and using this as the starting point of your relationship can help you build a healthier bond.&nbsp; </li><li>Realize that your son’s partner is not there to take him away from you. The relationship your DIL has with your son is completely different from the relationship you have with him and neither of you can replace or even emulate the other. </li><li>Every person has different needs that need to be fulfilled by different people. Your spouse is not supposed to replace every other relationship in your life and that stands true for the MIL relationship as well. Your son will always need you in the role of his mother just as he will always need your DIL in the role of his wife. And vice versa.&nbsp; </li><li>Learn to set better boundaries with each other while still being polite. Know how much you should be interfering in the life of your DIL and where it needs to stop so she can be her own person. Similarly, know which topics to not breach and where to compromise and let the other person have their opinion. Recognising each other as independent beings capable of making good decisions is key to this. </li><li>Walk away from fights in order to not escalate any situation.&nbsp; </li></ul>

Bottom Line

When someone from the outside joins a family, they won’t fit into the system starting from day one. There will always be an adjustment period where clashes and little fights are bound to break out and cause friction.&nbsp; Mother-in-laws can empathise with their daughters-in-laws as they have been in a similar role before and know what works and doesn’t. The relationship between you two will not be perfect overnight and will require work and effort each day as all relationships do. It’s important to realise that the benefits you reap for this later on are greater than the initial discomfort you might feel.&nbsp;

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