Madeeha Syed

Masculine shame is a plague, affecting both men and, through them, society. A comprehensive approach is necessary to counter it systemically.

The Shame That Men Carry

This article or video has been vetted and verified by Meri Sehat’s specialists. It contains citations and research from validated sources.

Men have always been shamed about their emotions, which leads to toxic masculinity. Here are a few practices to allow expression without hurting your self-esteem.

Mental Health Effects Of Shame

Overview

Emotional well-being is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling life, but shame can have a detrimental effect on it. <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/shame-the-most-toxic-emotion">Shame</a> has the power to deeply affect our emotional health, leading to various consequences that impact overall well-being. Let&rsquo;s explore the mental health effects of shame on emotional well-being, the consequences it brings and effective strategies to overcome shame and foster a positive state of mind. 
&nbsp;

strategies to overcome shame

Emotional well-being refers to the overall state of our emotional health, encompassing how we cope with stress, manage emotions, form and operate in relationships. Shame, on the other hand, is an intense feeling of unworthiness and self-disgust. When shame takes root, it can disrupt the delicate balance of emotional well-being, leading to a host of mental health issues. 
&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>Anxiety And Depression &ndash; Shame is a powerful emotion that can trigger or exacerbate anxiety and depression. The constant feeling of inadequacy and self-criticism can overwhelm individuals, leading to persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety about their self-worth.</li>
	<li>Isolation And Loneliness &ndash; Shame often compels individuals to withdraw from social interactions out of fear of judgment or rejection. This isolation can intensify feelings of loneliness and hinder the formation of meaningful connections, which are essential for emotional well-being.</li>
	<li>Low Self-Esteem &ndash; Shame erodes self-esteem, causing individuals to doubt their abilities and self-worth. As a result, they may struggle with self-confidence and find it challenging to pursue personal growth and meaningful life goals. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<ul>
	<li>Practice Self-Compassion &ndash; Counteracting shame begins with practicing self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would with a friend facing a challenging situation. Embrace your imperfections and recognize that everyone makes mistakes.</li>
	<li>Seek Professional Support &ndash; Overcoming deep-rooted shame may require professional assistance. Mental health professionals, such as therapists or counselors, can provide valuable guidance and support in navigating the complexities of shame and its impact on emotional well-being.</li>
	<li>Challenge Negative Beliefs &ndash; Challenge the negative beliefs that fuel shame. Replace self-critical thoughts with positive affirmations that acknowledge your worth and potential. Practice mindfulness to stay present and interrupt the cycle of self-deprecating thoughts.</li>
	<li>Develop Coping Strategies &ndash; Build emotional resilience by developing healthy coping strategies. Engage in activities that bring joy, relaxation and a sense of accomplishment. This can help offset the impact of shame on emotional well-being.</li>
	<li>Foster Supportive Relationships &ndash; Nurture supportive relationships with friends, family or support groups. Sharing your struggles with trusted individuals can help lessen the burden of shame and create a safe space for healing.</li>
	<li>Embracing Vulnerability And Authenticity &ndash; Shame thrives in secrecy, but embracing vulnerability and authenticity can weaken its grip. Openly sharing your experiences and feelings with others can foster a sense of connection and break the barriers created by shame. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

Bottom Line

Overcoming shame is a journey towards emotional liberation and rediscovering one&#39;s worth. It involves acknowledging past experiences, forgiving oneself, and embracing imperfections as part of being human. Prioritizing emotional well-being is an ongoing commitment. As you work to overcome shame and its consequences, remember that it is okay to seek help and support when needed. Nurturing emotional well-being empowers you to lead a more fulfilling and balanced life. Understanding the consequences of shame is crucial to address its negative effects. Remember, you have the power to reclaim your emotional well-being and create a brighter future for yourself.

Dr. Safia Mehmood

&ldquo;You should be ashamed of yourself!&rdquo; I&rsquo;m sure most of us have had that said to us by someone, in some language, in some way and at one point or another. But what does it mean when they ask us to feel shame? What is shame? And is it the same as being embarrassed? Is it guilt? And do different people of different ages and different genders experience shame the same way? And lastly, what are the internal and external consequences shame can have?&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

‘Masculine’ Shame

Let&rsquo;s start at the beginning.

<h5>What Is Shame?</h5>

Though many sources may put forward their specific definition, I think we can all agree that shame is an unpleasant feeling. It&rsquo;s a feeling of disgust, powerlessness, worthlessness, demotivation and repulsion from the self.&nbsp;

This may seem like semantics, it&rsquo;s important to differentiate it from guilt and embarrassment.&nbsp;

Cultural anthropologist Ruth Benedict posited that guilt is the person evaluating themselves negatively. It arises when one feels they fell short of their standard of morals, ethics or behaviour. Thus, guilt is built around actions, for example, alleviating guilt by apologising.&nbsp;

Shame, however, is a different beast. Shame, as opposed to guilt, arises from a perceived (whether real or fake) evaluation by others. And shame is built around internal characteristics, like thoughts, motivations and fears. Thus, shame isn&rsquo;t as easily wiped away as guilt, as no action can erase it.&nbsp;

Embarrassment is simply a public phenomenon and can be understood as humiliation. It&rsquo;s important to also note that all can happen together and are not mutually exclusive. Now that we&rsquo;ve decided what shame means for us, let&rsquo;s jump into it. 
&nbsp;

<h5>&lsquo;Masculine&rsquo; Shame</h5>

What is shame for men and do they feel it differently from women? That is exactly what Dr Brene Brown, a shame researcher, suggests. Studies have shown that men experience shame primarily from the feeling of &ldquo;not being enough&rdquo;. That masculine shame is simply a manifestation of a feeling of being a failure &mdash; at home, at work, as a father or son, as a brother or as a husband. It&rsquo;s a deep-seated complex of never feeling that they are what&rsquo;s expected of them and that they continue to fall short of the ever-burdening expectations of those around them.&nbsp;

Dr Jan McGregor Hepburn, a psychoanalytical therapist, suggests that men in society are typically expected to &ldquo;perform&rdquo; and a self-perceived inability to do so illicits feelings of shame. 
&nbsp;

This is also why public disrespect often causes an aggressive response from men in particular. Lisa Ferentz, a recognised expert in the strengths-based, de-pathologised treatment of trauma, explains that the root of masculine shame arises during childhood.&nbsp;

Young boys often grow up in echo chambers propagating toxic and harmful notions of masculinity. They are taught that &ldquo;being a man&rdquo; is about how physically strong you are, how much you earn and how much you can support those that depend on you.&nbsp;

They&rsquo;re taught that emotional vulnerability is weakness. That sharing, or expressing, is something that real men don&rsquo;t do. It&rsquo;s these heavily reinforced inflammatory ideals that creep into adulthood, consciously fanned on by the hordes around young men.&nbsp;

What is the result? A man, with an emotionally inert mask, pretending to be &ldquo;strong&rdquo;, pretending that they don&rsquo;t need anyone or anything. All the while a storm of inadequacy rages inside of them.&nbsp;

And where does this storm take us? 
&nbsp;

Male Reaction To Shame

Aggression is the most common reaction to male shame. A study by Gebhart et all proved that threatening a man&rsquo;s masculinity elicits a hostile response. A masculinity-and-shame questionnaire reported an association between perceived shame and a self-reported tendency for physical aggression.&nbsp;

Very notably, regression analysis in this study concluded that masculinity-related shame in specific, as opposed to general shame, was particularly strongly related to aggression in men.&nbsp;

Harper et al also noticed that shame and consequent anger was associated with tendencies for psychological abuse among men.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

It&rsquo;s also important to note that shame is also unhealthy for the one experiencing it. This unpleasant feeling is very psychologically distressing for ones who experience it. Research has proved that shame is particularly associated with <a href="https://merisehat.pk/disease/depression" target="_blank">depression</a> and shame-prone anxiety disorders such as generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder.&nbsp;

Slowly but surely, a clear picture starts to form. Shame in men is not only harmful to their wellbeing, but is a direct threat to the peace of a household and at large to society. 
&nbsp;

Masculine shame is a systemic problem. The problem needs to be addressed at the root. Young boys should not be brainwashed with toxic ideals and normalising openness and vulnerability would go a long way to alleviating this.&nbsp;

Well-meant sentiments during early years, like &ldquo;larkay nahi rotay&rdquo; [boys don&rsquo;t cry], can do more harm than good. Growing up, they need to be instilled with healthy values which includes the message that crying is okay, they don&rsquo;t always need to be strong, that they can share and talk when they need to.&nbsp;

Likewise, adult men should be reminded of the merits of mindfulness. They should be unencumbered of the expectations that cause shame and allowed a safe space to open up, while at the same time advocating personal accountability and responsibility.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Mindfulness is key and men need to understand whatever they may feel inside, they are ultimately culpable for their behaviour. Thus, they should take the first step and seek professional help.&nbsp;

The solution to male shame is not an easy one. We, as a society need to ensure that unhelpful ideals of traditional masculinity are curtailed, that only healthy expectations are conveyed and that men understand that even if their shame is not their doing, their actions are their own.&nbsp;

Men: love yourself, seek help when needed, be mindful of your behaviour towards others and don&rsquo;t let your shame define you.