Madeeha Syed

Understand why some people fall in love with abusive partners. Meri Sehat explores the complex dynamics of abusive relationships.

Why Do Some People Fall In Love With Abusive Partners?

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What Does True Forgiveness Look Like And How To Move On?

Overview

The jury is still out on whether it is tougher to say the words &ldquo;I am sorry&rdquo; or &ldquo;I forgive you.&rdquo;

Despite centuries of evolution, human beings haven&rsquo;t yet reached the kind of perfection we tend to expect from each other. Human relationships are delicate and ripe for mistakes and mishaps.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

We have all been in a place where we have inadvertently hurt the other person, we have also been decidedly cruel and rude, whether to exact revenge or just because we were having a bad day. On the other hand, we have also had to suffer at the hands of our fellow human beings. When this happens, our immediate reaction is to wonder how someone can be so evil. How can they be so clumsy with our hearts when they have made huge proclamations of love and know how we also feel about them? We worry how much pain we are going to have to suffer through now that we have sustained such an impactful emotional injury.&nbsp;

If we are very lucky, the offending party will recognise and acknowledge the impact of their actions. Sometimes, however, due to the foolhardy packaging some humans tend to come in, this may not happen. Either way, forgiveness is paramount for the long-term sanctity of any relationship, yes even your relationship with yourself.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Forgiveness helps you

It&rsquo;s the act of letting go of the hurt and pain we might be holding onto regarding a certain situation or person. If we hold onto the initial sentiments that arise in us after an event, chances are that we will be filled with feelings of resentment that tend to affect our connections and lead to less than savoury outcomes. Even if you don&rsquo;t plan to keep the person in your life, you can still benefit from practicing forgiveness. 
&nbsp;

Forgiveness helps you to:&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>Better and healthier relationships.</li>
	<li>Mental peace and stability.</li>
	<li>Better self-esteem.</li>
	<li>Improved mood.</li>
	<li><a href="https://merisehat.pk/disease/anxiety">Reduced anxiety</a> and stress.</li>
	<li>Stepping into new relationships without any previous baggage.</li>
	<li>Eradicate those feelings of helplessness and take charge of your own life. It takes you out of a victim mindset and returns your strength to you.</li>
</ul>

These are just some of the ways forgiveness helps you be an overall better human being and frees up the mental space for more worthwhile tasks than holding onto grudges and resentment.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Steps To Forgiveness

<ul>
	<li>We must first begin by acknowledging that we are all humans, hence capable of major blunders and it could easily have been you in the other person&rsquo;s shoes. We must all accept that fundamentally decent people can at times behave less than ideally.</li>
	<li>Recognise that you aren&rsquo;t just doing it for the relationship or the other person but also yourself.</li>
	<li>If the other person has taken the painstaking step of apologising to you. Recognise their ability to do so &mdash; remember how tough it has felt to do the same when you were in their shoes.</li>
	<li>Have a one-on-one discussion with the person in order to make them realise exactly what has injured your sentiments.</li>
	<li>Ask the person why they behaved a certain way and whether they weren&rsquo;t just reacting to some perceived slight on your part.</li>
	<li>If the person hasn&rsquo;t apologised and you seek closure, you might want to look into therapy or support groups that can help you navigate the process smoothly.</li>
	<li>Understand that you don&rsquo;t necessarily have to step back into the dynamic that has caused you so much pain. Forgiveness doesn&rsquo;t need to be accompanied by completely forgetting the offence.</li>
	<li>Draw better boundaries and effectively communicate them with the people in your life. Ensure there is comprehension and understanding behind why this is necessary for you and for the relationship itself.</li>
	<li>Every time your natural instinct to abuse the offending party kicks in, try to calmly and consciously redirect that energy into doing something productive instead. When you stop recounting the nitty-gritties of your hurt/pain, you can truly make space to heal.</li>
	<li>Have an emotional cleansing ritual (just like you have one for your skin!) where you can sit and check in with yourself and ensure you&rsquo;re not holding onto hurtful feelings.</li>
	<li>Recognise that you might just be unable to forgive your own self. Many of us punish ourselves for ending up in painful situations in the first place. We are never as angry at others as we are at ourselves, we think we should have known better and we know that a better person would have never made the same mistakes. It&rsquo;s important to realise that self-forgiveness can help you transmute this pain and indignation you have towards yourself. This eventually leads you to applying the lessons learned in your future attempts at living and manoeuvre through this world with a clear conscience.</li>
	<li>Understand that healing involves a healthy amount of grieving and give yourself time to pass through the stages of grief. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

Bottom Line

It&rsquo;s important to recognise the importance of forgiveness and why holding onto pain hurts no one but yourself. We have all heard the famous line that being angry is like drinking poison and expecting the other to get hurt. This may sound like a clich&eacute; but it is true in most cases. Know that leading with patience, humility, courage and tenderness will always take you a long way and moving on means you can give yourself the gift of other, greater and better adventures. At the same time, never let anyone rush your process and take as much time as you need to get over things.

Dr. Safia Mehmood

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The Evolution Of Abuse In Intimate Relationships

Almost all relationships are prone to interpersonal <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/unseen-scars-navigating-the-depths-of-emotional-abuses-impact">abuse</a> but there are certain factors that lead to abuse being a more prevalent phenomenon in intimate relationships.

Intimate relationships are relationships between two non-biologically related people who are either cohabiting, dating or co-parenting. The abuse found in these relationships can be of several different types and it is frequently observed that two or more types of abuse will coexist. 
&nbsp;

Abuse In Intimate Relationships

Emotional and verbal abuse often accompany either physical or sexual abuse. Similarly, physical abuse itself inflicts emotional trauma on the victim and it&rsquo;s hard to quantify this as well.

Many times, the victim doesn&rsquo;t realise that they are in an abusive relationship if there&rsquo;s only emotional abuse involved. They also might be reluctant to accept themselves as a victim. This leads to the abuse developing and getting worse overtime in many cases since it&rsquo;s not being reported and no action is taken against it. But how does it get to that point in the first place? 
&nbsp;

Scientists have tried to understand this phenomenon for a long time in order to find concrete solutions but it remains elusive. There are many explanations behind relational abuse such as an evolutionary perspective where males will exert dominance to ensure the survival of their genetic lineage over other males competing for their mate&rsquo;s attentions. Similarly, the sociological point of view says that children who grew up witnessing violence being carried out against their mother will continue the cycles with their partners. However, these explanations don&rsquo;t account for the outliers, and therefore, the sociological explanation might not always apply.

Another frequently observed phenomenon in the evolution of abuse is that it starts with emotional abuse and progressively gets worse as the victim tries to take a stand for themselves. 
&nbsp;

Emotional abuse involves one person controlling another and undermining their sense of personal worth and agency. It can involve criticism that&rsquo;s out of proportion in any situation, excessively harsh or personal words, sweeping generalisations including &ldquo;you always do this&rdquo; or &ldquo;you never do anything right&rdquo;, dismissive behaviour, silent treatments as well as tone, body language or verbal cues indicating contempt.

It is more insidious because it&rsquo;s usually countered with better behaviour by the offender later on.

These gaslights the victim and makes them doubt the perception of their own mistreatment. It&rsquo;s often accompanied by the abuser trying to socially isolate their victim and controlling the perception of the relationship in society as well. 
&nbsp;

This kind of abuse is more pervasive in relationships where there are power dynamics in play. One person who is in control of finances, major life decisions including parenting etc, can start exerting dominance over their partner. Any resistance by the victim can be met with worsening abuse and can lead to physical and sexual abuse later on in the course.

The beginning is usually rooted in the abuser feeling somehow powerless in some domain of their life such as finances or at work. Stress levels build up eventually leading to an outburst over seemingly inconsequential things. This is usually followed by an apology and the abuser making promises that &ldquo;this will never happen again&rdquo; or rationalisations such as &ldquo;if you hadn&rsquo;t done this, I wouldn&rsquo;t have done that.&rdquo; 
&nbsp;

What this does is, it puts all of the blame on the victim and causes them to start walking on eggshells around their abuser in order to minimise incidence of the abuse.

Similarly, the constant hot and cold behaviour of the abuser can often confuse the victim and make them stick around for the promise of a better future.

All this can lead to a normalisation of abuse and the victim tries to continue having a &lsquo;normal&rsquo; relationship with their abuser.

However, the thing about abuse is that it inevitably happens again if the root cause isn&rsquo;t treated. 
&nbsp;

Conclusion

The first step towards stopping the abuse is acknowledging that it&rsquo;s happening. After that it&rsquo;s essential to identify what kind of abuse is going on in the relationship. 
&nbsp;

Emotional abuse can be dealt with by a couple&rsquo;s therapist and you can be given tools to help you communicate better with your partner. If it&rsquo;s physical or sexual abuse then it might be time to leave the relationship and get yourself to safety. 
&nbsp;

If you&rsquo;re someone who has been rude or dismissive to your partner one too many times you can benefit from therapy as well. Identify what causes an emotional outburst? Is it stress and you&rsquo;re coping with taking it out on your loved ones? 
&nbsp;

Chances are you&rsquo;re not adequately equipped to deal with your stresses and discomforts, causing you to opt for some unhealthy coping mechanism as your brain switches to survival mode. This usually comes out in the form of blame and anger for the partner. 
&nbsp;

This can be replaced with healthier coping mechanisms where you learn how to cope better with distress. Know that, during an outburst, it might not be very easy to recall the coping strategies you learned while you were calm. For this, we undergo practice sessions where the offending party is made to relive the exact emotional state they were in during an explosive episode. Then they can imagine behaving in an optimal manner and employing healthier coping strategies of connecting with their partner and appreciating their support during a tough time. Practice is what makes one perfect at this and remember: you&rsquo;re not hopelessly stuck with your bad habits. 
&nbsp;
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How To Heal After An Abusive Relationship: Reclaiming Your Life And Well-being

Healing after an <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/warning-signs-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship">abusive relationship</a> can be a challenging journey, but it&#39;s also a path towards reclaiming your life, self-worth, and emotional well-being. In this article, we&#39;ll discuss the crucial steps and strategies to support survivors of abuse in their recovery process. 
&nbsp;

crucial steps and strategies

<h5>1. Seek Professional Help</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Therapy And Counseling: Consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and abuse. Therapy can provide a safe space to process your experiences, understand the impact of abuse on your life, and develop coping strategies for healing. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>2. Build A Support Network</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Connect With Trusted Individuals: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who understand your journey and are willing to listen without judgment. Sharing your experiences and emotions with trusted individuals can be incredibly therapeutic. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>3. Self-Care And Self-Compassion</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Prioritize Self-Care: Make self-care a non-negotiable part of your routine. Engage in activities that promote physical and emotional well-being, such as exercise, meditation, journaling, or spending time in nature. Nourish your body with healthy food, and ensure you get enough rest.</li>
	<li>Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Understand that healing takes time and that it&#39;s okay to have setbacks or difficult days. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a dear friend. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>4. Reconnect With Hobbies And Interests</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Rediscover Your Passions: Reconnecting with hobbies, interests, and activities you once enjoyed can help you regain a sense of self. Engaging in these activities can boost your self-esteem and provide a welcome distraction from the pain of the past. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>5. Set Boundaries And Prioritize Safety</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Establish Boundaries: Learning to set and enforce boundaries is crucial for rebuilding your sense of safety and self-worth. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively with others, and prioritize your own needs and well-being. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>6. Reflect And Learn</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Understand Patterns And Red Flags: Take time to reflect on your past relationship and understand the dynamics that led to the abuse. Educate yourself about abusive behaviors and red flags to avoid repeating similar patterns in future relationships. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>7. Rebuild Self-Esteem And Self-Worth</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Positive Affirmations: Practice positive self-talk and affirmations. Remind yourself daily of your worth and capabilities. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you in recognizing your value. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

<h5>8. Legal And Safety Considerations</h5>

<ul>
	<li>Legal Protections: If necessary, explore legal options such as restraining orders or legal action against your abuser. Consult with legal professionals who specialize in domestic violence cases to understand your rights and options. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

Healing after an abusive relationship is a transformative journey towards self-empowerment and emotional well-being. Remember that you are not defined by your past, and you have the strength to overcome the effects of abuse. By seeking professional help, building a strong support network, practicing self-care and self-compassion, and taking steps to rebuild your self-esteem, you can embark on a path towards a brighter and more fulfilling future. You deserve love, respect, and a life filled with joy and contentment.

Staff Writer

Warning Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Humans have an inherent need to connect with each other and form strong relationships based on mental, emotional and physical bonding. This is also important for a person&rsquo;s overall wellbeing and survival in society. Sometimes, however, these relationships are the very thing that can be detrimental to our peace and happiness. In such cases we label it as an <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/shame-the-most-toxic-emotion">abusive or a toxic relationship</a>.&nbsp;

Anyone of us can end up in these harmful dynamics without realizing it. No one ever actively chooses to step into an abusive relationship. What usually happens is that they will start off as incredible adventures and turn sour our time. It&rsquo;s not easy to gauge whether a relationship might become toxic or abusive over time but there are always some warning signs you can look out for. It&rsquo;s also important to acknowledge that an abusive relationship isn&rsquo;t always a romantic relationship. Your relationships with a friend, a family member or even your boss and coworkers might also be prone to some toxicity.&nbsp; 
&nbsp;

Four basic principles

Abusive relationships operate on the four basic principles of verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation and humiliation. There is an insidious erosion of your boundaries and self-respect.

Warning Signs

So here are some signs to help you identify why a certain relationship is making you feel sick and when you might need to step back.

<ul>
	<li>It&rsquo;s All Happening So Fast: We have all been raised on stories where a girl meets a guy and its love at first sight. They always go on to live happily ever after within a span of five days or even less. This, however, doesn&rsquo;t really work out in real life. If someone is moving really fast, making all kinds of magnificent claims, wants to spend time with you seven days a week and makes you feel like you have known each other forever, chances are that they aren&rsquo;t being honest about their intentions.&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

These excessive displays of affection too early on in a relationship are called &lsquo;love bombing&rsquo;. It is exactly what it sounds like. Being bombarded with too much love soon makes one feel as if they&rsquo;re being swept off their feet. This eventually leads to the individual not making any of their decisions with a clear head.&nbsp;

<ul>
	<li>They Simply Know Better: This is one of the most common way abusers start controlling you. They will lead with statements such as &ldquo;this doesn&rsquo;t really suit who you are as a person&rdquo; which entails that they know who you are better than you do. This is how control and manipulation are slowly introduced into the relationship and you lose sight of who you were before you stepped into the dynamic.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Were &lsquo;Just&rsquo; Joking: Your relationship might be abusive if your partner subtly puts you down, especially in front of others and then plays it off as a joke. This is a humiliation tactic and will lead to a diminishing self-esteem. This is usually done to ensure the partner never leaves or realises that they deserve better.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Hypersensitivity: Interestingly enough, even though your partner gets to joke around and make you feel bad about yourself, you can&rsquo;t do that to them. Even the tiniest of snubs can lead to an over-reaction and most often than not it is based on perceived slights rather than anything rooted in reality. Abusive partners are extremely sensitive about how their partner perceives them, behaves around them and are prone to jealousy.</li>
	<li>Jealousy: If your partner gets jealous any time your attention and efforts are engaged elsewhere then that is a huge red flag. Interestingly enough it doesn&rsquo;t even have to be another potential partner, it can be anything from a family member to a pet and sometimes even kids.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Can&rsquo;t Take No For An Answer: Abusive partners don&rsquo;t allow you to change your mind and will hold it against you when a boundary is drawn.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Inconsistency: Now, even though you aren&rsquo;t allowed to change your mind, they get to have the complete freedom to do so. It&rsquo;s very often noted in abusive relationships that there are cycles of hot and cold. One moment they can&rsquo;t live without you and the next moment they can&rsquo;t live with you. The hot and cold dynamic also keeps the abused partner coming for more in hopes that this time it will be better.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Emotional Isolation: Abusers emotionally isolate their victims in order to exercise complete control over them. This way the person being abused has no one to talk to and get an outside opinion on the relationship. This allows the abuse to continue indefinitely or until the victim realizes what&rsquo;s been happening.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Aren&rsquo;t Nice To Others: This is usually one of the earliest warning signs. If your partner treats you well but can&rsquo;t be nice to the waiting staff or is backbiting their friends or coworkers, then chances are that soon enough you will also suffer the same fate. There initial respect and accommodation will fade away once they are secure in the knowledge that they have you.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Are Perpetual Victims: Have you ever met someone who claims that all of their past relationships failed because the other person was at fault? In their life, nothing ever works out despite their best efforts. This is a very clear warning sign that once things go even slightly wrong in your relationship, you will have to accept the blame. Abusers don&rsquo;t accept blame or portray even the slightest accountability. Everything is someone else&rsquo;s fault.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Don&rsquo;t Communicate Openly: A very commonly noted theme in abusive relationships is that the abusive partner expects the other to read their mind and anticipate their needs. There is a lack of open and honest communication and the partner is punished for not being intuitive.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Gas Lighting: This is perhaps what wreaks the most havoc on an individual&rsquo;s self-esteem. The abusive partner tells you that everything you think or know is wrong and you are made to question your reality. If it goes on for long enough, you might start questioning everything your own brain tells you and rely solely on your partner to help you navigate through life.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>They Act Differently In Social Settings: Does your partner treat you differently when you are around others? Chances are that you are stuck in an abusive relationship. This can go two ways; they are extremely nice to you in front of others while abusive behind closed doors or vice versa.&nbsp;</li>
	<li>Financial Control: This is common in relationships where the abusive partner is the sole earner. However, many people have also been scammed out of their money by their significant others. The partner controls all your expenses and you are usually not given enough to be financially secure. 
	&nbsp;</li>
</ul>

In the end it&rsquo;s important to note that that if you have suffered from an abusive relationship or are currently in one, it&rsquo;s not your fault. One can&rsquo;t always see it coming and it&rsquo;s quite common that the heady mixture of meeting a handsome stranger and the promise of new love takes hold of us.&nbsp;

However, arming yourself with appropriate knowledge allows you to identify when something might be off about a person or a relationship. Find a healthy balance between being curious and approachable and being suspicious and careful when meeting new people.&nbsp;

Step gradually into a relationship and carefully gauge your compatibility with the new person/s you&rsquo;re introducing into your life. Relational abuse can have lasting impact on one&rsquo;s life and it&rsquo;s critical to be aware of it.&nbsp;

Falling in love with abusive partners is a perplexing and distressing phenomenon. It&#39;s essential to explore the underlying reasons why some individuals become entangled in abusive relationships. In this article, we delve into the psychological, emotional, and societal factors that shed light on this complex issue. 
&nbsp;

sychological, emotional, and societal factors

<h5>1. Low Self-Esteem And Insecurity</h5>

Seeking Validation: One reason some people fall in love with abusive partners is low self-esteem. Individuals with low self-worth may seek validation and acceptance from others, even if it comes at the cost of enduring abuse. Abusers can exploit this vulnerability by initially showering their victims with affection and attention, creating a powerful emotional bond. 
&nbsp;

<h5>2. Trauma And Familiarity</h5>

Recreating Familiar Patterns: For those who have experienced trauma or grew up in abusive environments, abusive relationships can feel strangely familiar. This familiarity can be misconstrued as love because it replicates early experiences, reinforcing the cycle of abuse. 
&nbsp;

<h5>3. Manipulation And Gaslighting</h5>

Confusion and <a href="https://merisehat.pk/article/emotional-manipulation-a-guide-to-recognizing-signs-and-empowering-yourself">Manipulation</a>: Abusive partners often use manipulation and gaslighting tactics to confuse and control their victims. This can lead the victim to question their own judgment and reality, making it difficult for them to recognize the abuse and leaving them feeling trapped in the relationship. 
&nbsp;

<h5>4. Isolation And Dependency</h5>

Isolation Tactics: Abusers frequently isolate their victims from friends and family, making it harder for them to seek support or leave the relationship. This isolation can create a sense of dependency on the abusive partner for emotional and financial needs. 
&nbsp;

<h5>5. Belief In Change And Hope</h5>

False Promises: Abusive partners may promise change and seek forgiveness after abusive incidents. Victims, driven by love and hope for a better future, may believe these promises and stay in the relationship, hoping the abuser will reform. 
&nbsp;

<h5>6. Societal Factors And Stigma</h5>

Shame and Stigma: Society&#39;s tendency to stigmatize victims of abuse can lead individuals to feel ashamed and reluctant to seek help or disclose their abusive relationships. The fear of judgment and social rejection can keep them trapped in silence. 
&nbsp;

<h5>7. Lack Of Awareness And Education</h5>

Unrecognized Red Flags: Some individuals may not recognize the early signs of abuse or may not be aware of healthy relationship dynamics. Comprehensive education on recognizing and preventing abusive relationships is essential to address this issue. 
&nbsp;

Understanding why some people fall in love with abusive partners is a crucial step in breaking the cycle of abuse. It&#39;s important to recognize that victims of abuse often face complex psychological and emotional challenges that require support, empathy, and professional intervention. By raising awareness, providing education, and offering resources for those in abusive relationships, we can work towards preventing and addressing this troubling phenomenon while fostering a culture of healthy, respectful relationships.